My Personal Journey to the Wall - Veterans Day 1998

By Roger "Bear" Young -- The Northwest Veterans Newsletter

Some of my friends have asked me to relate my feelings of my first visit to the Wall the week of Veterans Day 1998. Please remember these are my feelings and would not necessarily be yours. And in no way would I want to tell you what your feelings would or 'should' be.

That being said I'll try to relate my personal feelings and my suggestions to those who have not had the opportunity to visit the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in D.C.

My pilgrimage to the Wall began some years back. A sort of preparing myself for my visit in stages. Listening to others who have made that visit, some positive and some negative. It began with visiting the Moving Wall. Not once but on three separate occasions through the years. I am thankful to those who made that possible. Those like VVA 423 and Floral Hills cemetery who brought the Moving Wall to the Seattle area in 1996. And the city of Leavenworth, Washington who had the Moving Wall on display during Memorial Day, 1998. And for my fellow Silver Spur, "Kipper," for being there with Pam and I. And for truly making my trip to D.C. possible, fellow Silver Spur and Scout pilot, Tom White, who furnished the actual name of my fallen comrade Jerry Gillett - only remembered by me as "Moose" for so many years - so that I could fulfill a promise. That Jerry would not be forgotten. I could not, and would not, have made my trip to the Wall had I still not known the actual name of "Moose." Without his name the promise would not have been fulfilled. The Silver Spurs and other members of the 3/17th Air Cav helped fill the voids in my memory. I am forever grateful for your help and assistance compiling the lists of our fallen Troopers.

Our trip to D.C. began with a stop at Chicago. There we met in person for the first time fellow Silver Spur Dan Sutherland and his wonderful wife, Vickie. Dan had served with the Troop following my departure and we had become close working on historical information regarding our unit via the internet. Meeting the both of them certainly was a highlight for Pam and I. And this stop allowed Dan and I to talk about days long ago. The good and the bad, and our lives following our tours in Vietnam. This was another step for preparing my visit to the Wall. We left Dan and Vickie far too soon, so much yet to say, but with a promise to Dan to get rubbings of his personal friends who perished in 1971. My visit to the Wall was not only my own personal visit, but the list of our fallen comrades had grown with the making of a website dedicated to the Silver Spurs.

Armed with the list of the men who perished in my Troop during the war, and also the list for the entire 3/17th Squadron that we know of, Pam and I headed to Baltimore. There we picked up a rental car. Part of our trip was to visit the site of great battle along the way. Of another time when our country was torn apart by war. To pay our respects and see first-hand Gettysburg, the site of the pivotal battle of the Civil War.

Being somewhat of a military historian, I have read a great deal about the Civil War. A war in which honorable men both from the North and South willingly left their homes and families and gave their lives for principles they believed in. A war that was most tragic and was paid for by the blood and bodies of some of America's finest young men. For me, Gettysburg - where there were over 51,000 killed, wounded or captured of a combined force of approximately 153,000 in just three days - was the pivotal battle. The battle which decided the future of our nation. And certainly the site of hallowed ground. I went there not to judge who was right or wrong, but to pay my respects to the courageous men of the two great armies led by Gen's Meade and Lee.

With great interest we saw the actual places where Brig. Gen. John Buford, commander of the 1st Division Cavalry, first engaged Lee's advance force led by Maj. Gen. Henry Heth outside and northwest of the town on July 1st on Chambersburg Pike. As more forces joined the battle, the Union troops led by Maj. Gen. John Reynolds deployed along McPherson's Ridge. It was here the Union forces fought a delaying action. It was here that many Union troops were killed or captured and were forced to retreat through the town of Gettysburg. But they bought valuable time, and allowed arriving Union forces to take the high ground along Cemetery Ridge anchored at the north at Culp's Hill. Culp's Hill was where the Union forces retreated to at the end of the first day, dug in and held for two more days at what was the north's right flank, or "fish hook."

Buford monument marks the location where his Cavalry and Maj. Gen. John Reynolds
Union forces first engaged Heth's Confederate forces advancing on Gettysburg

The first day of the battle was a victory for the southern forces, however, they allowed the Union forces to fortify their position through the first evening at Culp's Hill. This would later prove to be a serious mistake.

On the opposite end of the Union line - an internal line which extended over 2 1/2 miles - we later saw Devil's Den and Little Round Top where Lt. Gen. James Longstreet and Maj. Gen. John Hood's Confederate troops attempted to dislodge the Union forces, the actual site of Col. Joshua Chamberlain's famous bayonet charge of the 20th Maine which garnered him the Medal of Honor for securing the Union's left flank on day two of the great battle. In the remaining two years of the war following Gettysburg, Chamberlain would be wounded six times and later be elected as Governor of Maine. One can only imagine the courage of all involved in that battle on day two. And could only imagine the Alabamians who forced-marched over 20 miles and with little rest repeatedly assaulted this southern flank of the Union army on July 2nd at Devil's Den and Little Round Top in over 80 degree heat and extreme humidity in wool uniforms.

Commanding view from the summit of Little Round Top.
Statue represents General Warren who quickly discovered and reacted
successfully to the Confederate flanking attack on day 2 of the battle.

Had the southern forces attacked early on the second day, they would have easily occupied Little Round Top. However, the Union forces quickly reacted to Longstreet's attack of the Peach Orchard and Hood's attack on Little Round Top and secured the high ground on the Union's southern flank after tenacious and deadly fighting.

Visiting the fields of the immense battlefield which extends over 6 miles, feeling the presence of the fallen, visualizing the charge of 15,000 Confederate soldiers across the great expanse from Seminary Ridge to Cemetery Ridge which the Union Army of the Potomac was tenaciously holding, and knowing that the majority of some 15,000 Confederate troops were killed, captured or maimed in what has become known as "Pickett's Charge" -- one could only imagine the gut-wrenching fear, the adrenaline rush, the smell of black powder burning in one's nostrils as Lee's forces began a one mile death march at 2:00 p.m. across an open, uphill, smoke-shrouded field towards Cemetery Ridge. It was here, on this great open field, the two great armies collided en masse on the third and final day of the battle, July 3rd, 1863. It was here when the 15,000 neared the fences at Emmitsburg Road that withering Union cannon fire from Maj. Gen. Winfield Hancock's batteries loaded with double-canister shot - batteries that mistakenly had been believed to have been destroyed due to the Union conserving their ammunition during Lee's massive pre-charge bombardment which primarily went long and limited the resupply of the Union cannons - literally tore thousands of young Southern bodies to pieces.

Despite the devastating Federal cannon fire from the front, and taking savage fire from Union cannon and snipers with breech-loading rifles on both flanks, the remaining Confederate forces somehow kept moving forward towards their objective in the middle of the Union line. Time after time they filled the voids left in the lines the best they could, and they kept coming!

An 1887 Lithograph by L. Pang & Co
depicts the battle of Gettysburg in 1863.
Courtesy of The Learning Company

A memorial marks the spot where Brig. Gen. L. A. Armistead from Virginia, a personal friend of General Hancock who he was facing, fell leading that last few hundred remaining Confederate forces, which actually penetrated the Union line only to be flanked again and cut down or captured by brutal rifle fire and tenacious hand-to-hand combat. General Hancock was also wounded in this final and brutal engagement but survived to later run for President of the United States. Only one-quarter of the 15,000 of Pickett's Charge would survive to return to Seminary Ridge that day...

Third Day of battle of Gettysburg
Courtesy of The Learning Company

As we toured the sprawling battlefield, one cannot but appreciate the sacrifices made in those three days so long ago as we looked down from Little Round Top at the "Wheatfield" below, which changed hands several times and where "blood flowed like water." And our visit to Cemetery Hill where President Lincoln months later gave his Gettysburg Address and where thousands of Union troops, so many of the dead unknown and marked only by headstones with numbers, lie buried. One cannot help but feel the presence of the fallen. Our guide claimed over a 1,000 souls still remain missing. The vast majority of Southern troops were later reburied at Richmond, VA.

As we surveyed the broad rolling fields from Cemetery Ridge, one cannot imagine the horror of those three days. The courage, the fear, the carnage, the stench...the futility of war. Or how the people of the small farm town of Gettysburg for months endured while tending to the thousands from both sides that were wounded and dying and burying the dead, so very, very many dead...that littered the fields. Most were originally buried in shallow graves where they had fallen...

Gettysburg had no real military significance other than it was, as it is today, a major crossroads. Heth was going to enter the town to forage for supplies for Lee's army. Had the South been able to shatter the Union Army of the Potomac at Gettysburg, or had perhaps chosen to disengage following the first day's battle and headed southeast towards Washington, an argument can be made that Lincoln would not have been re-elected and the South may have successfully seceded from the Union. For years, General Meade would be severely criticized for not pursuing Lee's retreating forces which broke off contact on July 4th. Other historians still debate the "mistakes" made by Lee and his commanders on days two and three. But as in any major battle of any war, it is often just a few pivotal decisions and moments, or perhaps fate, that decides the final outcome.

Despite horrific losses on both sides neither army was destroyed. Both, however, needed additional supplies, ammunition, fresh troops and reorganization following the battle of Gettysburg and Lee's forces could not remain in hostile territory for long. (Also on July 4th, in a separate battle, Federal troops led by Gen. Grant defeated Confederate forces at Vicksburg, Mississippi.)

General Lee's Army of Virginia was successful in extracting itself back to the relative safety of Virginia on July 14th. The South would never mount another major offensive into the North. It was then just a question of time until the larger industrial base in the North combined with the Union blockade of the southern seaports that would insure a Union victory. This tragic war would continue for two more terrible and deadly years before Lee's surrender at Appomattox.

For detailed information on the battle of Gettysburg, I might suggest picking up, The Gettysburg Campaign - A Study in Command by Edwin B. Coddington.

We then left Gettysburg and headed southeast to D.C. To visit the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, the site that honors the military dead from another war which once again greatly divided this nation.

We arrived on November 8th to get our bearings and have a chance to visit the Wall prior to the Veterans Day crush. Pam, and others, had long before convinced me to visit the Wall in the wee morning hours. A time when there are few at the Wall. I believe this is a vital key, especially on your first visit. And I am thankful and honored that Pam, DStormMom and Carolyn accompanied me to the Wall the morning of November 9th. There was only the four of us there. As we approached the Wall from walking across Constitution Avenue, Pam gave me a layout of the land as we approached the Women's Memorial. As we crossed the sidewalk, and just a very short distance away, I could see the lights at the base of the Vietnam Memorial as it sprawled out to my right. Names were not visible but it made me aware of where the Wall was, so it would not take me by surprise. After visiting and touching the Women's Memorial, we slowly proceeded to the three-soldier's statue, the Wall now to my immediate right.

None of my visits to the Moving Wall, none of the television broadcasts I have seen, none of the pictures Pam has shown me from her earlier visits to the Vietnam Memorial in 1993, prepared me for the sheer width of the Memorial. It was best at that point that I could not clearly see the names. It gave me time to prepare for that long walk down to the apex. To panel 9W where Jerry Gillett and William Wallace, Jr. who perished together were etched.

I cannot express my feelings of viewing the men's statue at night. I was so struck by "the stare" of my brothers captured in bronze. As we stood there in silence, the brothers seem to slowly come to life. You can almost see them breathing. Yet they continue to stare. The stare so many of us who were there understand. A stare that bores right through you and is like looking at yourself many years ago. After some time, I slowly turned, stared at the Wall from my left to my right, took a deep breath, and begin my first trip - one that I have feared more than life itself - that incredibly long walk to pay homage to our fallen brothers and sisters from the Vietnam War. I stopped at 9W, looking up to the top straining to make out the names of my fellow Troopers on lines 2 and 4. The artificial light was too dim. The names could not be seen! But my new camcorder armed with an infra-red light allowed me to find the names of Jerry Gillett and William Wallace, Jr. in the viewfinder. And later the many other names from our Troop who perished. So many near the apex. I am glad I purchased the new camcorder. I did not have a small flashlight. If your friends are near the top of the higher panels, they are not visible at night. And it would have been most frustrating not to have been able to see them at this special time. My first visit.

Much has been written about the "healing powers" of the Wall. Funny, as I stood there in silence with tears, I felt a sense of anger. That so many had perished. Still trying to find the answer, why? A chill went through me as I gazed at the Wall. I looked to my right to see the Washington Monument ablaze, its reflection on the East Wall. And I wondered how, in this city so full of monuments to Lincoln, Jefferson, and Arlington National Cemetery.... how could those who had led our country during the Vietnam war had made so many mistakes? After what seemed like hours, Pam, DStormMom, Carolyn and I slowly began our long and silent march along the East Wall and back to the car.

Later, after my return to the hotel, I kind of fell into a state of numbness. That feeling one gets after suffering a sudden loss of a loved one. And I was taken back to the morning of the death of Jerry and Bill Wallace. There were others. But their deaths and later the death of Thomas Barnett, one of our Gun pilots who I had helped carry on his litter to the medivac chopper, their deaths were the ones that had directly impacted my very being. That had tore through me like a knife. In those early morning hours I could not help but reflect back on those moments. Of remembering having to inventory Jerry's personal effects, and for the first time during my tour, breaking down and crying. Mixed in with these powerful reflections was the loss of my late wife, Kathie, in 1994. She too had been taken from my family very suddenly. I felt Kath's presence at the Wall also. Like she was watching over me. She, like my beloved Pam, knew my pain only too well for nearly 24 years. I have been so very fortunate to have two loving wives who understood and love me. And to also have DStormMom and Carolyn - two very precious friends - there for me on my first visit.

DStormMom and "Bear" in D.C.
Meeting DStormMom was a honor for this vet!

To my fellow veterans and friends I've met through the internet that have shared your stories with me. You gave me encouragement. Without all of you I do not believe I could have made that long walk alone. I highly recommend none go alone, especially your first time. It is too powerful. Too difficult to read the names and locations scrawled on a note. Too difficult to locate all the names through your misty eyes. Just knowing others are there because they love and care for you is a deep comfort.

Veterans Day at the Wall was very special. The many vets, meeting friends for the first time I have corresponded with, a special moment. Pam and I arrived at around 11:00 a.m. in keeping with the eleventh hour. We laid roses for many from my Troop, along with the lists of our dearly departed from my Troop and also the entire 3/17th Squadron. Also for some of those who have departed since the war. It seemed proper. Of course we left some roses with the Women's Memorial and our bronze brothers. It was a special day as it always is at the Wall on Memorial or Veterans Day.

Former POW, Mike Benge, in Tiger Cage on the Mall, Veterans Day,
Washington D.C., 1998 raising funds for the POW/MIA FOIA Litigation Fund.
Rick Will (not shown) was tethered to the cage.

For more on Mike Benge's ordeal in captivity, please see: Betty Ann Olsen's Bio.

[Northwest Veterans Newsletter photo]

We then casually moved along, stopping again at The Last Firebase, and of course at the Tiger Cage where former POW Mike Benge was once again inside that dreadfully small cage. I had the opportunity to also meet Rick Will and Roger Hall and could not leave without adding a donation to the cause.

Pam and I then slowly headed back to Constitution Avenue. From the backside of the Wall we stopped to watch the honor guards deploy the colors and opening ceremonies commenced. We stopped to listen as Jan Scruggs began introductions. His first speaker was, in my humble opinion, a poor choice. This speaker was a member of the USAF. He had served during the Gulf War with honor. The speaker had come here to the United States as a young boy from Vietnam. His father was a high-ranking and highly decorated ARVN Air Force veteran. The speaker's father had suffered nearly 13 years in communist "reeducation" camps following the collapse of South Vietnam choosing to stay behind to fight to the end but had gotten his family out before the collapse. All of this is most honorable. However, hearing the introduction made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. You see, the young man about to speak had, just a few years back, been on the Veterans bulletin board on Prodigy. It was there, the speaker, for reasons I still don't fully understand, chose to openly and publicly attack Vietnam veterans. He did later publicly apologize.

Somehow his words at the Wall expressing his gratitude to Vietnam veterans rung very hollow to me and seemed most inappropriate. Perhaps he was most sincere. Only he knows. But it was enough for me. Especially when he was to lead those present in the Pledge of Allegiance. We heard, "I pledge.." and then silence. Not knowing what to make of that, Pam and I continued walking down Constitution Avenue leaving the celebration behind us. Vowing not to let this incident spoil the occasion. But somehow, "the Wall that heals" as Jan Scruggs often states, wasn't making me "heal" much at that moment.

The daylight hours. A word of caution. There were times I visited the Wall during the daylight hours when not many veterans were present. Pam had warned me that on one of her earlier visits in '93 that these daylight visits can be disturbing. In her case, a young man was sitting on the Wall near one of the ends kicking the panel below him. Of course he was promptly dealt with by Pam. I also experienced some most disturbing incidents. Those of the tour bus crowds that swarm over the Wall, sweep down the walkway, with little regard for the meaning of the Wall or the few veterans making their special visits. Not all, but many were disrespectful and their actions inappropriate in my humble opinion. One being a middle-aged tourist rushing along conducting business on his cell phone.

Others taking pictures of a smiling group against the Wall. Sort of a postcard moment I guess. Others snapping pictures of a brother veteran who was having a difficult time as we helped him get rubbings of his fallen brothers of the 4th Infantry Division. You see, this is the price we pay to get the rubbings from the higher panels. It must be done in the daylight hours when the ladder is available. But it is not a pleasant experience. Early evening doesn't work well either. Following Veterans Day Pam and I ventured down to the Memorial around 10:30 p.m. There young people were carrying on as if it was a party atmosphere, eating, drinking and one even attempted to climb onto our bronze brothers. Of course this was all quickly stopped by Pam and I. After their departure we policed the area and deposited the litter in the appropriate trash containers. Therefore, I most strongly suggest that you do not visit the Wall for your first time during these distressing time periods.

Had some of what I witnessed happened on my very first visit to the Wall, I would never have returned. But despite these incidents, they cannot take away that first early morning visit. When just the four of us shared a very special moment with our fallen comrades. This is the way it was meant to be. Quiet and reverent. And a very positive experience.

Would I go back? Certainly! With the help of many others I conquered my fears of the Wall. I will go back again.

Does the Wall Heal? Perhaps for some it does bring closure. For me it has brought a sense of comfort. A certain peace. And many memorable experiences. But it also brought some sleepless nights, both before and after.

Marine Memorial -- Arlington National Cemetery, Virginia

Northwest Veterans Newsletter photo

The wonderful people we met, visiting Arlington National Cemetery, watching the changing of the guard and the laying of wreaths at the Tomb of the Unknowns, visiting WIMSA, the Korean War Memorial, the Marine (Iwo Jima) Memorial, Kennedys' grave sites with General Lee's former home on the hill in the background. Later visiting Mount Vernon - home of George Washington, touring the beautiful city of Washington D.C. in the evening, attending the DMZ to Delta Dance, heading south to see the battlefield at Manassas, ALL were a memorable experience which enriched my visits to the Wall.

Tony Cartlidge, Jim "Grits" Dundon & Roger "Bear" Young at the Wall
Veterans Day 1998

Northwest Veterans Newsletter photo

And my final visit, the one in the early morning hours as the sun was rising on the morning we left. It was a beautiful day with the colors on the trees. A day you are happy to be alive. The fall air crisp and clean. To say "later" to the Wall. It isn't easy knowing you are leaving. Much like the feelings I experienced the equally beautiful morning I departed my unit at Quan Loi in "Foxy Lady." You feel protective. You feel pain. But most importantly, you know you are going to miss visiting the black granite Wall. You want more time. It is like a magnet. Somewhat sadly, there is no more time. You have an appointment with a westbound jetliner. It is time to go, but the memories will linger...and knowing I can and will return brings a certain measure of comfort. I am thankful I went.

In closing, I wanted to share a special note that was left under our hotel room door by Carolyn. My thanks to this very special young lady for sharing my first visit to the Wall with me. Your words are indeed very true.

Regards,

Roger "Bear" Young -- The Northwest Veterans Newsletter