Military Humor – Updated 2 February 2013

Video submitted from down under:

Submitted by Bob Scurzi:

‘You Might be a Cavalry Wife if…’

..you’ve ever been referred to as “Household SIX”

..you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours

..you string concertina wire to keep the neighbor’s kids out of your flower beds

..you’ve changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he’s never there to do it himself

.you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it’s the only one you can ever find in the house

..your children say “hooah!” or “roger that!” instead of “ok”

..your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall

..you only write in grease pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change

..you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean

..you mark time in duty stations, not years

..you know that “back home” doesn’t mean at the house you live in now

..you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period

..you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 1:30 unless it’s a life or death emergency

..you show your military ID to the greeter at Wal-Mart

..you know that any reference to “sand” or a “box” describes NTC at Ft. Irwin, not your kid’s backyard toys

..you know that “Ft. Puke” is a completely accurate description of Ft. Polk

..you have enough camouflage in your house to wallpaper the place

..you don’t have to think about what time 2130 is

..you’re the T.C., not a backseat driver

..you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy

..you can’t remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn’t wearing BDU’s

..you’ve never had a pet named ‘Scout’, ‘Ranger’ or ‘Trooper’

..it only costs you $25 to have a child

..you find that a large number of your clothes and household items are olive drab or loam, even though you never planned it that way

..you critique uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing

..you know what “pogeybait” is, and which kind everyone in your husband’s platoon prefers

..you wish you could DX your old stuff like your husband can

..you’ve learned to sleep through the sounds of tanks, planes, helicopters and artillery simulators

.you have your kids sign a hand-receipt when they take your Tupperware to school

..you defend your lifestyle no matter how bad things get, because you know there’s no other life for you!

 

Submitted by Al “Trapper” Kemes:

Aviation Adages:

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large
fortune.

Flying is not dangerous – crashing is dangerous.

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away.

But very few know the definition of a ‘great landing.’ It’s one after
which you can use the airplane another time.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

You can never break the “Low Altitude” record….you can only tie it!

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

Remember, you’re always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there’s always something you’ve missed.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old,
bold, pilots!

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the
outside……. It’s worse!

Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you, Runway behind you. The airspeed you don’t have. Fuel in the truck or when you’re on fire.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with
the sky.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the
pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out
into a sweat.

It’s best to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the
stick back they get smaller. And….. You keep pulling the stick back
-then they get bigger again.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy,
but not for one who still is.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, cannot fly with the eagles by
day.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about sex when he’s flying, and
about flying when he’s having sex!

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Trust your captain …. But keep your seat belt securely fastened.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot…….

Is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer…….he may be your captain at your next
airline.

Over!

Pilots vs. Drones:

Drones will not be late to briefings, start fights at happy hour, destroy clubs, attempt to seduce others’ dates, spill whiskey, purchase huge watches, insult other services, sing ‘Hymns’, dance on tables, yell “show us your tits!’ or do all of the other things that we know win wars!

New Teacher’s First Day

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a fiberglass cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart mouthed punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence.

The class went smoothly.

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to  tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

 

I Have Often Wondered….
(Author unknown)

Why did they call it “collective pitch?” I never collected any. Usually ran out of it about the same time as altitude and airspeed.

Why didn’t Ma Bell add more left pedal and aft cyclic? I always had lots of right pedal and forward cyclic. Seems like they could have reduced those and added to the ones we needed.

Why did the pilots have armored seats but the Chief and Gunner did not?

Why did situations that called for all the torque the engine could produce also require full use of the anti-torque pedal followed by that blasted flashing red light?

Why did I always get an aircraft with a major 1-to-1 vibration when I had a hangover?

Why didn’t Ma Bell make the skin out of Army green tape so it would match the patches?

Why did they make a main rotor system that could cut down small Sequoia trees, and a tail rotor system that self-destructed if it encounntered anything bigger than a bumblebee? (And the OH-6A tail rotor was in danger in heavy rain.)

Why were they called landing skids? Were they intended for landing or skidding? (I did both, just to be sure.)

Why did the amount of time I spent in an LZ increase exponentially with the amount of fire I was receiving?

Why didn’t Bier 33 taste any better cold than it did hot?

Why did the smoke from the latrine burning always blow towards my tent/hooch?

Why was the PX always out of everything on my day off?

Why does a Bell helicopter have unusual noises that can only be heard at night or while in the clouds?

Submitted by Chuck Oualline

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do You Need Assistance?
(Author unknown)

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom.

Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?”

Cobra: “I don’t know, tower. We ain’t done crashin’ yet!”

Submitted by Art Bonevich

The Cavalrymen as seen by:

Division Headquarters:

A drunken, brawling, jeep-stealing, women corrupting lair with sapphire ring, Seiko watch, shoulder holster, and a black hat.

His Commander:

A fine specimen of a drunken, brawling, jeep-stealing, women corrupting lair with a ring, a holster, a fantastically accurate Seiko watch, and a black hat.

Himself:

A stout, handsome, highly trained professional killer and female idol who wears a star sapphire ring, carriers a hair trigger pistol in a quick draw holster, is covered with a rakish Black Stetson, and is always on time due to the reliability of his Seiko watch.

His Wife:

A stinking, gross, crude, foul-mouthed bum who arrives home after drill with a bag of dirty clothes, a two-day hangover, a huge ugly watch, a holster, a filthy old hat.

Government:

An overpaid, overrated tax burden, who is indispensable since he will volunteer to go anywhere as long as he can drink, brawl, steal jeeps, corrupt women, kick dogs, lie, sing dirty songs, and wear filthy uniforms, star sapphire rings, shoulder holsters, Seiko watches, and unauthorized hats.

BE PROUD! – AIR CAV!

Helicopter Flight – author unknown

Helicopter flight: A bunch of spare parts flying in close formation.   Anything that screws its way into the sky flies according to unnatural principals.  You never want to sneak up behind an old, high-time helicopter pilot and clap your hands. He will instantly dive for cover and most likely whimper…then get up and smack the shit out of you. There are no old helicopters laying around airports like you see old airplanes. There is a reason for this. Come to think of it, there are not many old, high-time helicopter pilots hanging around airports either so the first issue is problematic. You can always tell a helicopter pilot in anything moving: a train, an airplane, a car or a boat They never smile, they are always listening to the machine and they always hear something they think is not right. Helicopter pilots fly in a mode of intensity, actually more like “spring loaded”, while waiting for pieces of their ship to fall off. Flying a helicopter at any altitude over 500 feet is considered reckless and should be avoided. Flying a helicopter at any altitude or condition that precludes a landing in less than 20 seconds is considered outright foolhardy.   Remember in a helicopter you have about 1 second to lower the collective in an engine failure before the craft becomes unrecoverable. Once you’ve failed this maneuver the machine flies about as well as a 20 case Coke machine. Even a perfectly executed autorotation only gives you a glide ratio slightly better than that of a brick.  While hovering, if you start to sink a bit, you pull up on the collective while twisting the throttle, push with your left foot (more torque) and move the stick left (more translating tendency) to hold your spot. If you now need to stop rising, you do the opposite in that order. Sometimes in wind you do this many times each second. Don’t you think that’s a strange way to fly? For Helicopters: You never want to feel a sinking feeling in your gut (low “g” pushover) while flying a two bladed under slung teetering rotor system. You are about to do a snap-roll to the right and crash. For that matter, any remotely aerobatic maneuver should be avoided in a Huey. Don’t push your luck. It will run out soon enough anyway.  If everything is working fine on your helicopter consider yourself temporarily lucky. Something is about to break.   Harry Reasoner once wrote the following about helicopter pilots: “The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by its nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by an incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other.  Having said all this, I must admit that flying in a helicopter is one of the most satisfying and exhilarating experiences I have ever enjoyed: skimming over the tops of trees at 100 knots is something we should all be able to do, at least once. And remember the fighter pilot’s prayer: “Lord I pray for the eyes of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the balls of a combat helicopter pilot.” Many years later, I know that it was sometimes anything but fun, but now it IS something to brag about for those of us who survived the experience.

Air Force Humor – author unknown

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he is leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, ‘Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.’

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, ‘Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers’ asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it’s 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, Sir, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?’

==============

A U.S. Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing  to  his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing,  the  colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before  and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work”  and  how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,  depending  upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who  was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has  to  be 100% pleasure.” The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? “Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the  officers would have me doing it for them.” The room fell silent…….. God Bless the enlisted man! – Submitted by Gary Swartz

Life Lessons from A Helicopter Crewman – author unknown

As a helicopter pilot bud of mine used to say, “Helicopters don’t FLY through the air — they beat it into submission!”   I was a MACV Advisor in northern II Corps. We would have preferred to fly to the places we needed to go, but as we used to joke, the only people in Vietnam with lower priority than us was the VC.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life, I Learned As a Helicopter Crewman

Reliving my pre-loss of innocence youth. I found this a long time back, and added a bunch of penciled notes. Cleaned it up a while ago, and just found it again while clearing files. Sending to a few who might understand.

A lot of this is inside stuff. The original guy really hit it for the better part. I picked and modified to get my take on the issues. Added a few … actually about 20.

One of my movie buddies says it could be the basis for a major motion picture.

1. Helicopters are cool!
2. A billfold in your hip pocket can be a real pain in the ass.
3. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
4. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
5. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
6. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
7. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
8. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
9. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
10. C-4 can make a dull day fun.
11. The terms “Protective Armor” and “Helicopter” are mutually exclusive.
12. “Chicken Plates” are not something you order in a restaurant.
13. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
14. Dying can hurt a lot. So can Living.
15. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
16. A sucking chest wound may be God’s way of telling you it’s time to go home.
17. Prayer may not help . . . but it can’t hurt.
18. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running.
Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
19. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It’s just what they do.
20. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
21. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you’re about to be surprised.
22. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
23. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
24. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
25. If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.
26. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange noises become.
27. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
28. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
29. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law.
30. It does too get cold in Vietnam.
31. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
32. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
33. Medals are OK, but having your body in one piece at the end of the day is better.
34. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
35. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by NV guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
36. Always make sure someone has a P-38.
37. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
38. Everybody’s a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
39. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
40. The guy in civvie camos buying you drinks in the posh Saigon hotel bars is not your friend.

Submitted by several fellow Spurs

Sensitivity Training

A young Navy Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was an Electronics Technician and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, a Seabee Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with an Gunners Mate Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

“Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Master Chief Gunners Mate said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Aviation Master Chief replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one friggin’ ear.” – Submitted by Paul Clergy

Understanding Crew Chiefs

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take One

A Chaplain, Medic, and a Crew Chief were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The Crew Chief fumed, “What’s with those F*&%in A$$h*!es?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The Medic chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!  It’s like they aren’t even looking at what they are doing!”

The Chaplain said, “Here comes the greens keeper.  Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello, George!  What’s wrong with that group ahead of us?  They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes.  That’s a group of blind firefighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Chaplain said, “That’s so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The Medic said, “Good idea.  I’m going to contact an ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The Crew Chief said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the Crew Chief, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take Three

Two Crew Chiefs were walking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second Crew Chief replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first Crew Chief nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers, civil engineers, and Crew Chiefs?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build targets.  Crew Chiefs take them apart and make them better.

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, ” How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

The Crew Chief  says, “Shut the f*&% up and get me a beer!”

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Crew Chiefs would love to get their hands on the engineers.

Understanding Crew Chiefs – Take Seven

A Crew Chief was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The Crew Chief took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again, the Crew Chief took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?  I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won’t you kiss me?”

The Crew Chief said, “Look, I’m a Crew Chief and the military gives me more work than five ordinary men can do.  I don’t have time for a girlfriend, no matter how beautiful or willing she is, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.” – Submitted by Chuck Oualline

What the Captain Means – Submitted by Bill Reynolds

 

Submit additional humor to Roger “Bear” Young, bear317@aol.com